What Really Controls The Universe?
by The Liberator (Ordained Minister of the ULC) [Updated: March 21st, 2000]

Click HERE to listen
to gremlin sounds.
Answer: As written in The Book of Phluk, a chaotic horde of gremlins control The Universe.

What is a gremlin?
Gremlins are small, mischievous creatures. They control everything from the wind to the flow of water, moving parts, and anything else you can imagine.

Why can't we see gremlins?
Gremlins are so small and move so fast they cannot be captured by the naked eye or by instrumentation. (The picture above must be a drawing.)

If gremlins cannot be detected, how do we know that they exist?
The mere contemplation of that question is very, very dangerous. Questioning the existence of the gremlin horde is a quick way to become a victim of some nasty accident. The gremlins behave randomly but almost always choose to pick on those who doubt their existence. It may not happen right away, but it will happen; so be careful! Note: After examining Nightmare at 20,000 feet [the October 11th, 1963 episode of The Twilight Zone], experts have decided that the creature in the story was being portrayed by an actual gremlin, not Nick Cravat who was thought to be the actor in a realistic suit. It is unknown whether or not the gremlin was paid for his appearance.

Is this whole gremlin story just someone's wild imagination used to escape reality and responsibility?
Ahh... no! Gremlins do everything. Now shut up and stop asking such silly questions otherwise a gremlin will magically turn you into tomato paste and feed you to a fat Italian. Surely, that's no way to die.

I would like to learn more about gremlins so where can I find this Book of Phluk?
Unfortunately, The Book of Phluk has not survived the passage of time. That is why the dissemination of this material is so important.

Who or what is Phluk?
Phluk is the "ruler" of the gremlin horde. He controls the horde to the best of his ability, sometimes by force but mostly by using good judgment. Since Phluk is a gremlin, his powers are limited. That is why some gremlins can perform despicable acts and not get caught.

What do gremlins do when they are not controlling things?
Since controlling things takes up so much time, gremlins have very little time to do anything else. However, they do enjoy a good practical joke. For instance, they love to hide things from us. Were you ever unable to find a sock to make a pair? It was certainly no fault of your own; a gremlin did it!

Why do gremlins perform pranks?
Gremlin experts theorize that gremlins are jealous of intelligent people. That's why intelligent people are most often the victims of gremlin pranks. Therefore, we should do our best to not think and remain ignorant on all topics and subjects, just to play it safe. Gremlin experts say "A dumb person is a safe person."

How can I protect myself from the random acts of gremlins?
No one can ever be immune from those pranksters but precautions can be taken. As an example, say that you lose a key. You cannot find it anywhere and suspect that it is due to a harmless gremlin. By repeating the gremlin leaders name, Phluk, over and over again, the harmless gremlin will stop his prank out of fear of punishment by Phluk. A lot of people practice this precaution even though it is thought to be impolite in public.

How can a harmful gremlin be stopped?
They can't be stopped! We are really at their mercy because they control everything. All that we can do to protect ourselves from gremlins is to NOT question gremlins out loud. It is okay to write about them because they cannot read--they move too fast.

What harmful pranks have gremlins done?
They crash airplanes, cause heart attacks, make nations go to war, create nuclear waste, ... Humans would never willingly create defective airplane parts, eat fatty foods, fight over ridiculous issues, build nuclear power plants, ...

What is the biggest trick gremlins have accomplished?
They tricked the majority of humans into not believing in them. They make people believe in mythologies, organized religions, cults, and other fantastical fairytales to cover up their biggest trick.

It only makes sense that gremlins really do exist.

Unanswered Questions That Continue To Mystify The Experts
  1. If gremlins are so small and move so fast, can they see each other? If not, how can they work together?
  2. Where do gremlins derive their energy? Do they eat stray dogs?
  3. If a tree fell in a forest and a gremlin left before it hit the ground, would it make a sound?
  4. What is the connection between gremlins and other creatures, like djinns [see The Qu'ran], pixies, leprechauns, kabouters, brownies, goblins, gnomes, sprites, trenti, imps, and hobgoblins?
  5. Besides Phluk, is it true that there is another named gremlin called Fifinella?

See The Encyclopedia Mythica to perform further research.

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