Olympic Events of the Future
by Francois Tremblay (e-mail: FTremblay@liberator.net) [February 20th, 2002]
Since the Olympic Fraud began, we've had a nice succession of inanities and scandals : the persecution of dozens of more athletes, the Salé/Pelletier scandal, the admission of Bridge to the Olympics. The latter is particularily interesting since there are so many "sports" that could be admitted before Bridge (chess being a good example, but rejected probably because the IOC is too stupid to understand it). The main criteria for a sport being admitted is to be played at least on three continents. I have therefore decided to see what kinds of sports could be admitted in the future, in no particular order.
“An example of Doublethink is the ability to retain that God is good while reading about all the atrocities in the Bible.”
What is it : Sex is a great candidate as a sport, as it has existed for millions of years in some form. Sex is played by the manipulation or penetration of genital organs by one person on another, or both at the same time (also sometimes played in groups).
Sex is practiced in all continents, involves physical endurance and dexterity, and people practice it during their entire lives. It is also a very complex sport, which could be divided in subcategories such as Heterosexual Penetration, Homosexual Penetration, Foreplay... the possibilities are endless.
Favourites : Greece and Italy are traditional favourites for a sex event, although men are not expected to perform well in a Foreplay discipline.
What is it : Line-Waiting is an endurance sport, consisting of being able to stand the longest in a line.
Line-Waiting has always existed in some form, but it first came to the limelight of our modern era thanks to the spread of Communism. It is especially played in Eastern Europe and Asia, although with the growth of bureaucracy everyone is now playing it.
Favourites : Former communist countries are expected to make a strong showing.
What is it : Gun-Grabbing consists of grabbing as many guns from the hands of people as possible in the least time, while muttering something about the "common good". This sport requires self-righteousness as well as strength.
With the rising un-PCness of shooting, it is expected that the Olympics will try to replace it by something more appropriate. Gun-Grabbing is the perfect discipline, played in all continents, and goes in line with the IOC's authoritarian and hypocritical bent, especially if soldiers in the streets continue to be the staple of future Olympics.
Favourites : Britain is largely expected to outperform all other countries, since its citizens recently had extensive experience in gun-grabbing.
What is it : Doublethink consists of the capacity to integrate as many contradictions in one's mind as possible. While this is not a physical sport, it requires an incredible amount of mental compartimentalisation and dexterity, at any rate more than Bridge.
Doublethink is also a very old sport, going back to the beginnings of civilisation but really coming to full bloom in our modern, sophisticated age. It is practiced by politicians, religious people and cults as a speciality. An example of Doublethink is the ability to retain that God is good while reading about all the atrocities in the Bible. The champions of Doublethink can subdivide their mind so much that they can retain hundreds of contradictions before breaking down.
Favourites : Scientology is expected to win this event, with politicians and other priests also making a good showing. George Bush is a home favourite also.
- Hypocrisy and blame-shifting
This sport would be a good addition, but unfortunately it cannot be done, since the IOC would monopolize this event and create a conflict of interests.
The Liberator: A Drugged Out Olympics
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